As I was sorting through the pile of stuff on my desk, I came across a small foam pumpkin. On the pumpkin were crooked eyes, a nose and a mouth. The pumpkin was given to me from Abby, a girl that I tutored four years ago.
Abby will always have a special place in my heart. At age 8 she was diagnosed with a rare illness. She was allowed to attend school on days that she felt okay; on other days she would stay home and I would go to her house and tutor for two hours. From day one, Abby had my heart. Each session I met with her, Abby greeted me with a huge smile and a hug. In spite of her intense pain, Abby wanted to learn. Abby thrived on learning new words and conquering math. Her interpretation of any history lesson was a vivid one!
When Abby turned 9, she spent less and less days at school and more days working with me. On days that she felt up to it, I had permission to take Abby for a ride. Abby lived in the country so we quite often drove on back roads. One of our favorite spots was a little wooded area that had a small space cleared out by the road. In that small space, for whatever reason, was a tiny table, a small hut and other little fixtures. When we got close to the clearing, I would drive by slowly. Abby and I would take turns making up a story about the gnome family that lived there. She then would giggle the rest of the way back to her house.
Near her tenth birthday, Abby passed away. It was a heart-breaker for her family, her relatives, her schoolmates, and for me. Even at the age of 8, Abby understood how serious her illness was and that she would probably not live to be a teenager. Rather than give up hope, Abby embraced life! Abby has taught me to…
1. Welcome each new day! Almost every day of tutoring, Abby had something positive to say about the day…the sun is shining, I don’t ache much today, we’re having spaghetti for supper, my dog loves me…Abby chose not to dwell on her illness, but rather to look at the positives in her life.
2. Laugh yourself silly! Besides our gnome stories, Abby liked to tell jokes. Sometimes she would be laughing so hard, she forgot to finish telling the joke. If her little sister was having an attitude, Abby would say something silly to her and get her laughing. Abby made me realize that there’s very little in life to be upset over and a lot to enjoy, to be giddy about.
3. Have a dream! Even though Abby knew she wouldn’t live a long life, she believed in having dreams. Abby wanted to become a doctor so that other kids wouldn’t have to endure the pain that she did. She also wanted to fly to the moon. One time when we went out for a milkshake and she talked about her dreams, she looked at me and said, “I know I won’t really become a doctor, but I have to hope to become one. If someone finds a cure for my sickness and I get to grow up, then I need to start dreaming now. If I don’t grow up, I still have the excitement of hoping to become someone.” After I dropped Abby off to her house that day, I cried all the way home. My tears weren’t for Abby’s short life, but rather admiration of her strength and wisdom.
If you’re a parent, I encourage you to do something silly with your child (regardless of his or her age) and to really listen to their hopes and dreams. If you’re single, spend time with a niece or a nephew or a friend’s child. We can learn a lot from the younger generation.
Listen to your heart…
Posts Tagged ‘friendship’
Can I find Someone Without Having A Name?
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010Without a doubt the internet has revolutionized the way we search for information. Just take a few moments to think about how involved and complicated it used to be. Even just ten, twenty or thirty years ago, trying to reconnect with somebody you had lost touch with was a time consuming task involving numerous postal or personal inquiries and searches through directories and registers in different locations. The internet and the development of laptops and mobile phones has changed all that, we can now, almost without exception search for what we want, when we want and get results.
The internet is awash with search engines and social network sites that can search for names but how can you find someone on the internet without knowing their name? It sounds impossible doesn’t it? Would it surprise you to learn that there are many thousands of people the world over trying to get back in touch with someone whose name or full name they don’t know? Well, it shouldn’t, don’t we all have these people in our past? It could be somebody that you struck up a friendship with many years ago on a long journey or at a holiday resort and whose contact details you have lost. It could be somebody from a school or a sports team or theatre group whose nickname you remember. The reality is that people move on, they marry and change their names, their nicknames and pet-names change too as they grow older but this does not alter the fact that you still remember them and they still remember you.
Visit I Still Remember You. This is a network that aims to reconnect people with one another. It works differently from other search sites and tools and you can use I Still Remember You to find people without knowing all or part of their names. It’s really simple to use, all you need is a time and a place. Here’s the technical bit, it uses a chrono-geographic search tool and interactive map which will allow you to create contacts to find someone you are looking for. You’ll know too if anyone is looking for you.
There is no doubt that we remember the impact that certain people have had on our lives for the rest of our lives, but now and then the finer details get lost along the way. Finding someone without knowing their name is not as daunting a task as you might think. What are you waiting for? Visit I Still Remember You and reconnect today.
Learn To Write In The Sand
Thursday, December 17th, 2009
It really does sadden me how many friendships are ruined by grudge holding. So much so that I may have even brushed across the subject on here before, but just the other day I heard of a friend of mine who had made friends with her sister after not speaking to her in over seven years.
That sounds like it should be a good news story and in many ways I guess it is but I cannot help thinking thinking of those seven years wasted. During that time one of the sisters gave birth to two little boys neither of whom has ever met their aunt. I wonder if whatever they fought about was really worth losing the start of a magical relationship with two nephews. Somehow I doubt it.
I heard a story not long ago that contains a moral that is a lesson for all of us.
Two friends were walking in the desert when they had a big argument. The first slapped the second across the face. Immediately the wronged friend took a stick and wrote in the sand “Today my best friend slapped my face”. The first friend was puzzled but they walked on.
They soon came across and an oasis and were so excited they recklessly jumped in. The slapped friend was not having a very good day. He could not swim. The first friend hauled him from the water and applied CPR. After some time the second friend, who had stopped breathing took a shaky breath.
As soon as the second friend recovered sufficiently he took a chisel to a rock and engraved on the rock face “ Today my friend saved my life”.
The second friend was again puzzled and asked “ Why when I do something hurtful to you do you write in sand and when I do something good, you write on rock?”
The second friend said “ When a friend does you wrong write about it in the sand and let the wind of forgiveness blow it away. When a friend does something good and kind engrave it in your heart and let no wind or storm take it from you”
Some of you may ask why? If a friend wrongs me then surely I have a right to be angry and never forget their actions? Why should I remember the good things my friends do and strive to forget the bad. I am afraid my philosophy on that is quite self serving; because you will be happier that way.
Not All My Best Friends Are People
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
Friends Forever
I am not really an animal lover. That is not to say that I don’t like animals, just that there is only one type I truly love and that is dogs. As I sit here writing this with one of my dogs curled up on each of my feet keeping my toes warm I am struck by the fact that humans and dogs are the very best of matches. I want to share a story I once heard with you.
A man and his dog were transported to the after life at the same time and when they arrived things were very confusing, understandably. Very few people get a practice run at the after life. The man and his dog found themselves at the top of a long, winding, seemly endless road. The sun was bright in the sky and there were plenty of good smells in the air. It was a perfect day for a walk so the man and his dog set off down the road to see what they could find.
After awhile they came to a gate. behind the gate was a man in flowing, pristine white robes. Beyond the gate the man could see a lovely shaded area with a cool inviting lake. He looked at the gate keeper and said “May we enter, the day is awfully warm and my dog and I could do with a cool drink and maybe a swim in that lovely lake of yours”. The man in white beamed a huge smile and said ” You, of course, are welcome. But I afraid there are no dogs allowed in Heaven” The man with the dog was surprised to hear that this was Heaven but he was down right shocked to find out that heaven did not allow dogs. He said to the gate keeper, ” This dog has been my life long friend, he has stuck by me through thick and thin. He even died trying to save me. I will go nowhere he is not allowed.” . The gatekeeper shook his head sadly. “You are condemning yourself to a very sad eternity my friend,” he said, “nowhere in heaven accepts dogs. You will be wandering this long, hot road forever”. But the man stubbornly refused to be parted from his dog and moved off down the road.
After sometime the man and his dog came across another gate, with a kindly looking old man standing next to it. Before the man with the dog could speak the gate was thrown open and a voice that belied the gatekeeper’s small statue bellowed ” Both of you are welcome to Heaven”. The man with the dog exclaimed in surprise ”This is Heaven? The gatekeeper down the road said his place was, and it did not allow dogs”. The old man let out a chuckle “It is a very effective system we have going here. You were first greeted by the devil and told a pack of lies. I don’t mind that he gets to go first because frankly anyone who would abandon a life long friend on dusty, hot road for the promise of comforts deserves to spend the rest of eternity in the company of the devil”
The man and the dog entered Heaven together, just as it should be.
Socrates and The Test Of Gossip
Monday, December 14th, 2009
Most of you will have heard about the great and wise man who was Socrates of Ancient Greece. Thinking about what I was going to say to day I was saddened by the thought that so many good friendships are ruined by idle gossip. A lot of people think that you are only guitly of gossiping if they are actually doing the talking. In his own wise way though Socrates showed people this was not true and his attitude to gossip about a friend is represented in this story.
One day a man approached Socrates and begged an audience with him, as he had something vital to tell him. Socrates asked the man what the thing of vital importance was about and the man replied “your friend”. Socrates contemplated this answer a moment and then said to the visitor. “ I may allow you to tell me this thing but first I need you to answer some questions. The man agreed so Socrates posed his first question “ Are you certain that the thing you are about to tell me about my friend is true.” The visitor thought about it and shook his head and said “I cannot be certain as it is something I over heard”.
Socrates took in the answer and said, “I may still allow you to tell me but first two more questions. Is the thing you are about to tell me about my friend something that casts them in a good light?” The vistor shook his head vigourously this time and said “On the contrary”.
Socrates had just one more question for the visitor “ Is the information you are about to give me something that is useful?”. The man’s reply was “ No not really”. Socrates held the visitors eye and said to him “I am not interested in what you have to say. Why would I want to listen to you tell me something that is neither true, good or useful about someone I consider a friend?
I think we can all learn a lot from Socrates. It is not just the uttering of hurtful gossip that is wrong. Even listening to it can seem like an act of betrayal. If someone is talking to you about a friend of yours you could do worse that to pass what they are saying through the triple filter test that Socrates outlined in order to decide if you want to listen to any more.
Walking away from gossip that does not pass this test is an act of true friendship.
What Is A Friend
Wednesday, November 25th, 2009As a former teacher and now someone with an abundance of nephews, I am often on the lookout for teaching aids for difficult concepts. Especially abstract ones such as friendship.
While I was trawling my favourite sites I found this link to a short video another teacher had made to try and sum up what a friend actually is to her, obviously, young class. Clearly most of us are well past the age where anyone sits us down and gives us a presentation on what it means to be a good friend but I was struck by the idea that perhaps even for us ‘grown ups’ the concept could stand some revision every now and again. Have a look.
Sometimes we really do need to get back to basics to see what is really important. The first point is so true and we often forget it. A simple compliment can do wonders and a good friend knows that the time you most need one may well be the very same time you least deserve it. And they give you one anyway.
In my house it was against the rules to ‘let’ someone win at a game, that sort of winning had to be earned on its own merits but there are other ways of winning that have nothing to do with actual competition. We can all do with a ‘win’ in life sometimes and if we are being true to our friendship with someone we will recognize the opportunity to help someone achieve that. Even if it means backing down from an argument.
OK the point about remembering your birthday may seem to apply more to kids than adult relationships, though I have to admit you are in big trouble if you forget mine, but we all want to feel special sometimes. If you are a good friend you will take every opportunity to do that for the people you love even if it is not their birthday.
The most important thing this video says though, hands down the most vital aspect of friendship is that your friends are supposed to be fun to be with and make you smile. Believe it or not I actually think we forget this all too often in our friendships. Friends are about fun. Sure sometimes you have to do the tough things and point out a problem in someone’s life or tell them a hard truth, but that is not your primary role.
If you find that you are spending a huge amount of time trying to ’sort out’ your friends lives, then you are forgetting the basic premise of friendship. Making people smile and helping them enjoy life. That is the vital stuff, hopefully if we get that right everything else will eventually slide into place.
The Right Kind Of Friends
Saturday, November 21st, 2009While surfing the net, as I do a lot, I found this video by country and western singer Tracy Lawrence. In the song he is singing about how you know when someone is really your friend. True to good country and western style he is expressing his idea of true friendship in a practical and pragmatic way. Which of your friends would drive a hundred miles to pick you up if your car broke down?
Though most of us may not choose to decide on our friends based entirely on this basis the premise of what he is saying remains true. Some people claim to be your friends but when things get tough they are nowhere to be found.
My father used to say that there was nothing wrong with having a few of these fairweather friends, friendship is also about having a good time and some people are really only good for that but make sure you know which type of friends is which. Ask your self the same question about each one of your friends ” If I was in real trouble would I be happy if this person was the only one there with me”. It is funny but each time I asked myself the question about a friend I instantly knew the answer and I was rarely proven wrong.
It takes all kinds of friends to make your living a happy experience and they all serve a purpose but when you find one of these friends that you know you can count on to stick by you through thick or thin, you know you really have something special.
Sometimes life may get in the way of that friendship and people get misplaced but I like to think that if the friendship was a true one you are destined to re find that friend, especially if you are prepared to put in a little effort. So, if you have lost a mate that you know would have driven a hundred miles to pick you up when your car broke down then perhaps it is time you found them again. They are rare and you need them in your life.
You Find Out Who Your Friends Are – Tracy Lawrence
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn’t know
This is where the truth don’t lie
{Chorus}
You find out who your friends are
Somebody’s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think ‘what’s in it for me?’ or ‘it’s way too far’
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your hand
when you’re up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
and see who’s around then
This ain’t where the road comes to an end
This ain’t where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off
{Chorus}
When the water’s high
When the weather’s not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who’s gonna be there?
{Chorus}
You find out who your friends are
(yeah, yeah)
You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
(Well man, I’ve been there)
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I’ve been there)
Man, I’ve been there
Oooh yeah.
Sound Advice from Australia For Finding Friends
Friday, November 13th, 2009
Popular Aussie Morning show: Segment on finding friends
This week a popular morning program shot in Sydney had a whole segment on finding old friends, how to do it, why we do it and the merits of doing it.
They talked about some of the ways we can catch up with old friends and we have looked at a lot of them in previous posts, Facebook and Twitter were mentioned and the ways they can be used. What I found most interesting though was the talk on the psychological reasons people feel a need to reconnect with people from their past.
For most of us the desire to find old friends is coming from quite a healthy place. We just want to catch up and see what our friend is up to. If a bigger relationship grows from this then it would be fine. For others though their drive is not quite so balanced. For example, the psychologist pointed out that there are those people who want to find someone just so they can prove a point. Usually how much better they have done in life than the other person. This often stems from a sense of inadequacy experienced around this person when they were younger and it can be very unhealthy. If you are looking for someone for that reason you may actually be better to let it go and if you are still determined to find them be careful it does not turn into an obsession.
The other thing the psychologist warned against was unreasonable expectations. It is important that you prepare yourself mentally for realistic outcomes. If the person you are searching for is someone you have previously had a relationship with you need to be prepared for the fact that they may now be with someone else and want nothing more than friendship from you. Even if the person was simply a friend it is a sad truth that people change and they may be very different from the person you lost contact with all those years ago.
It is true to say that actually neither of these things are inherently bad outcomes. Friendship is a very valuable thing and can easily play just as an important role in our lives as a relationship. And even though your friend may have changed there is nothing to say that the changes are not something you will quite like; after all I am sure you have changed too.
So long as you have healthy and realistic expectations of the things that could happen when you find the person you are searching for then I feel there is nothing to lose and everything to gain from continuing your search and that seemed to be the feelings of the psychologist too. So have a little bit of an examination of your motives and your expectation and then happy searching!
